Ask the Experts

Emotional questions

Date: 13 May 2002 Answered by: Mark Keenan, Editor, Divorce-Online
Q.	Hi My partner is going through a very difficult and emotionally draining divorce. He is now at a stage where he needs to talk to someone (i.e. a counsellor) to help him cope with the psychological stresses and strains. Can you recommend somebody or tell me how to find a good counsellor who specialises on divorce? I am looking forward to your response. Kind regards Jessica
A.	There is an excellent Directory of counselling services at http://www.counsellinguk.co.uk. I hope that helps.
Date: 20 Apr 2001 Answered by: Mark Keenan, Editor, Divorce-Online
Q.	I've been married for almost ten years, and my husband and I have had many problems since the beginning of our marriage. I am a very outgoing, passionate and affectionate person. He's very quiet and doesn't express a lot of emotion and affection. I have felt very lonely in our marriage. I've met another man, whom I fallen in love with. He's exactly what I've always wanted a man to be like. He's affectionate, passionate and funny. I've been honest with my husband, as far as how I've been feeling throughout the marriage (lonely and unhappy). He's aware that I've had thoughts of wanting to separate, but part of me is not sure if I'm just being unrealistic about the situation. We have been to a marriage counsellor, and we have been working on our marriage for the past 3-4 years. My husband is very aware that I've very serious about wanting to separate, and so I find he's now finally trying to be more affectionate with me. But, I can't seem accept it, as though, it's too late. How do I know if my marriage is really over or am I just looking to give up so I can be with this other man (that I am in love with)? Are their signs or something that I can look for to know when it's really over?
A.	It is difficult to know how to advise you in this situation. At the end of the day, you cannot stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy and does not fulfil your basic need to be loved and cared for. You say you have been to marriage guidance and this does not seem to have addressed the problems you are facing. I suggest you read our many forums and use the chat room to talk with other users who are going through or have been there already.
Date: 12 Sep 2000 Answered by: David Knox, Professor of Sociology
Q.	I have been married for 6.5 years to a man who is very dependable (but boring), has only my happiness to make him happy, has no outside friends, and has given me two wonderful daughters. A dream man almost. But, I am being suffocated, I do not love him as a husband, but love him as a friend. Our social life is nil, he does not go out ever on his own, neither do I as we live in the country, (I work from home), he will not even go to bed on his own before me! We have very little sex life (twice a year and v unsatisfactory) - he does not interest me. It would be very easy to stay together, but is that fair to him or me - could we both achieve a greater level of happiness and for me regain my vitality, if we were separated.
A.	I recall a friend who left his wife to marry a younger woman. Two years later he said, "I traded something good for something new." Please understand that I am not criticizing you for thinking about leaving your husband. It is a common plight to stay in a dull marriage or to take a chance on the unknown. Only you can decide. However, only leave your husband if you feel you can survive living alone...since you may not land in a new relationship.Some who left wished they could get back and could not. Another alternative is to see a marriage counselor together to discover ways to enrich your relationship...take vacations to places of mutual interest, read erotic literature together, consider an X rated video.Do something! If you are unwilling to see a marriage therapist, consider the audio tape which has some ideas for you http://heartchoice.com/marriage/ordertape.htm David Knox, Ph.D. Divorce-online.co.uk Heartchoice.com
Date: 4 Sep 2000 Answered by: David Knox, Professor of Sociology
Q.	I have been crying a lot lately for no reason. We split up months ago but every now and then I just break down and cry, sometimes in stupid places and situations, is this normal? How long does it take to get over someone. We were very amicable and still see each other as friends.
A.	It takes 12 to 18 months to begin to feel relatively "healed" from the pain of divorce. Time and a new partner are the two key ingredients. If you have been feeling this way for 24 months see a therapist in your community. Don't go through this alone.
Date: 21 Aug 2000 Answered by: David Knox, Professor of Sociology
Q.	I have just found out my husband has been having an affair. He says it did not mean anything and that he did it because I spend all my time on the house and I am always tired and have no time for him. I must admit that our sex life has dissapeared over the last few months but I am very angry about his deceipt. What should I do?
A.	Work it out with him. Take joint responsibility. You should not have neglected him; he should not have had an affair. Resolve to spend time together and enjoy each other. View the affair as a blessing that woke each of you up as to the importance of each other. It will take time for you to forget, but stay in motion.....keep spending time together. David Knox, Ph.D.
Date: 18 Jul 2000 Answered by: David Knox, Professor of Sociology
Q.	How do I tell my husband it is over? I have found someone else who I really love. Our marriage was a mistake and was the result of parental pressure on both sides. We are both miserable.
A.	Be careful and be slow. First, the fact that you have found someone new does not mean your marriage is over. The "new" person may not work out (Has he said he is committed to marry you?). Also, you are a long way down the marital trail and you'll be here with the next person. So consider repairing what you have rather than trading your husband in for a new model (which will also have a rattle). If you decide to work on your marriage, see a marriage therapist with your husband. Don't try to work on your marriage by yourself. Having said that, and assuming that you have decided to leave, don't tell your husband you have met someone new. He could use this against you in court. Do tell him that you feel that your marriage is not working out and that you would like to talk about a separation. Ease him into it. Do not say, "I'm moving out tomorrow." David Knox, Ph.D. Co-Host of Divorce Room www.heartchoice.com
Date: 30 May 2000 Answered by: David Knox, Professor of Sociology
Q.	My 12 year old boy doesn’t want me dating and is impolite to guys who pick me up. What’s wrong with my son?
A.	Children are selfish (particularly 12 year olds) and have no understanding of your need for adult companionship. Your son has also has gone through the breakup of his family and since you say his dad does not want him your son fears you will leave him too. From his point of view, your going out with guys means you will abandon him. So make sure he knows you love him and are there for him. Specifically, make sure you do things alone with your son so you have a close emotional bond with him. That means one weekend night do things alone with him...movie, pizza, etc. Tell him on Saturday the two of you can do something special but on Friday you are going out. For now, I'd meet your fellow at McDonalds so your son doesn't have to see you leave with this guy. Yes, I know, you think how silly, but he's 12 and doesn't see the world like you but he will grow out of this...trust me.
Date: 30 May 2000 Answered by: David Knox, Professor of Sociology
Q.	I have been divorced 2 years and have 2 children 5 and 8. I have been seeing a man who is very nice for 6 months. I would love for us to live together but I am afraid the children will reject him. They have only met him a few times as "mummys" friend. What would you suggest we do to gain their confidence?
A.	Continue to expose your children to your new partner. Have him do fun things with you and the children. Go to McDonalds for ice cream, an amusement park, and things that the children enjoy. The goal is for your children to learn that when he is around, good things happen for them. Be slow to move in together as your children need a very tight emotional bond with you before you start sharing your love with someone else. And, let him move in slowly....spending one night over at a time, then two.
Date: 30 May 2000 Answered by: David Knox, Professor of Sociology
Q.	I have been married 6 months after having lived with wife for 3 years before we married. We now argue all the time over little silly things. I am hoping this is just a phase. I have heard this is quite common. Is it true and what can we do to make it better?
A.	You are like most married couples. The love and excitement of courtship rarely continues in marriage. You are in the "de-illusion" stage of marriage whereby you will lose your illusions that married love is just a continuation of courtship love. But, don’t be discouraged. Married love can be very alive, happy and fulfilling. Some things to try: 1. Do fun things together. Go out on weekends like you did before you married. 2. Compliment your partner. Find good things about him or her and tell him or her. 3. Avoid being critical. Do not make negative statements to your partner or about your partner. 4. If you find that doing the above things for a month does not improve your positive feelings for each other, see a marriage therapist.
Date: 30 May 2000 Answered by: David Knox, Professor of Sociology
Q.	How will I know I am making the right decision to divorce?
A.	You can never be sure you have made the right decision. Indeed, there will be times you are convinced you made the wrong decision and other times you will be sure you made the right one. Only you can add up the pluses and minuses over time and know that your decision was best. Some people wonder if they can survive a divorce. One way to assess you potential is to take the Divorce Survival Checkup at http://www.heartchoice.com/divorceroom/checkup.htm
Date: 30 May 2000 Answered by: David Knox, Professor of Sociology
Q.	I’ve been divorced over 3 years now and feel I should get on with my life. My kids are now grown up, and I would like to start dating, Do you think a singles club or dating agency would be a good idea as I am quite unconfident since the divorce.
A.	There are a lot of ways to get reconnected with others and you should try all of them. A singles club is one alternative. Another is meeting someone through the Internet. I would be slow to use a Dating Agency simply because they tend to be very expensive. Don't forget to ask your friends to set you up with people they know, say hello to people at places you enjoy (church, tennis, etc.), and take a college class if that is convenient. Half the world is looking for the other half....jump in and say hello.
Date: 30 May 2000 Answered by: David Knox, Professor of Sociology
Q.	My kids blame me for leaving their daddy and have become impolite and disrespectful. How should I handle this?
A.	Tell your children that two people, not just one, are always responsible when a marriage breaks up (do not point the finger at their dad). Let it drop at that and offer no details. In regard to their being unruly, impolite, and disobedient, be aware that children in families with two parents do this too (so it it not unique to divorced families). Disrespect should not be tolerated in either intact or divorced families. I encourage you to go with your children to a family therapist who can help you structure new relationships with your children. In essence, you should sit down and tell them that their disrespectful behavior will not be tolerated and that you will end their tv, phone, and listening to music priviledges when they are disobedient. Also, be careful to spend time with them doing things they enjoy when they are being respectful. Your situation will not be easy since they will seize the absence of their father as an opportunity to take advantage of you and to get control of the house. Resist, be firm, and be consistent. Once they recognize that you are a strong mother who will not tolerate their disobedience, you have won. But it will be a struggle and they will test you to the limit.
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